Return of the writer…

Well. Its been a long time since I’ve written anything, let alone anything on a public website. Many things have changed for me and our family, but some are still painfully the same.

First, the changes. We fulfilled our dream of having a second child, a beautiful, dark-haired, hazel-eyed wonder, Willow Pearl. She is now 2, and I think I’ve written in my journal a handful of times since she was born. She keeps me busy! But Willow is amazing, and its fine she takes up most of my time. She is funny, and silly and SO beautiful its ridiculous. She loves her sister and copies everything she does, she snuggles in our bed every night, and her favorite word is “toot.” She loves Elmo, Abby and Cookie Monster, the show “Word Party” and singing songs. Her funny faces and tiptoe-y run make me laugh!

So, back in 2016, after we moved from Campton, we made our way to Newport, where Tyler’s parents live. First, in a camper borrowed from my parents, which really would have made a hilarious story, in retrospect. At the time, I was a pregnant lady sharing 200 square ft with a dude, a 3 year old and a dog. But the campground was gorgeous, we lived cheaply, Josie was in daycare 3 days a week and loving it, and Tyler and I worked for his mom at the Antique Mall. I had great healthcare at Dartmouth-Hitchcock, and besides getting in a messy crash on the way to a visit in Maine, it was a great summer.

Then, after the campground closed, we moved into Tyler’s grandmothers house… with his grandmother…mom…and dad. At least we had a 3-story house to share. Would have made another hilarious story. It was challenging at times, but we really made the most of it, plus Josie spent a lot of time with her grandparents and great-grandmother, which is pretty special.

Then Willow was born! I stayed home with her while everyone left for the day, and it was nice to have everyone there at night to help out . Newport grew on me, especially our living situation (Tyler’s parents eventually moved out, and then GiGi too), but we knew it couldn’t last forever. By the time Josie was ready to start kindergarten, we needed to move out of the house. It was so very stressful, but we eventually found a house to rent in Stonington, Maine so we ended up moving, again….

So here we are! Its 2019 and we’ve lived back on the island for 6 months. Tyler works full-time for a contractor, Josie is 6 years old and in kindergarten, Willow goes to daycare once a week and I do… not sure what I do right now. I guess still stay at home with the kids, but not really by choice. I’ve had a few job interviews at local places but haven’t landed anything yet. I guess I forgot how difficult it would be to pay rent, pay for childcare AND find a job here, especially in the middle of winter.

So yes, if you must know, I’ve been struggling. Big time. Which is bullshit, because I have spent a lot of my life struggling. Whether its what to major in school, where to live, or trying to find a decent job its like I’m being put through a test, to see what I don’t know. But its exhausting and depressing, and I’ve been feeling so terrible lately – using words to describe myself I would never to say to anyone else, thinking everyones better without me, wanting to disappear.

But then somedays I’m full of creative ideas, and think of these amazing experiences I want for myself and my kids, and full of life goals, and feeling good! Then BAM! Shitty. It’s a rollercoaster I don’t want to be on anymore, but I’m not quite sure how to get off this dumb ride. I used to think working outside of the house would do it, but its been so long I don’t know anymore! Frustrating, to say the least.

Anyway, thats the update. I’ve been thinking of restarting this blog, but not sure of what theme I’d like to take it. Parenting, family, living in Maine, depression and/or ways NOT to be depressed, diabetes…. all fun things to write about it. I’ll ponder it some more. In the meantime, hopefully I’ll be back before another 3 years passes by.

Peace. -Erin

Valentine’s Day Visions

Happy Valentine’s Day weekend from Maine! It’s snowing (actually blizzarding is the correct term) yet again, surprise, surprise so we’ve been stuck inside for the majority of the weekend. Which leaves lots of time for entertaining a toddler and pondering the near future. Fun!

But first, in toddler news, Friday was Josie’s last day of daycare. Bittersweet of course, but she ended on a high note: she had a face full of boogers and had been up since 5 am (cold season is just lovely) but the school was having a Valentine’s party so she wore hearts and a tutu and looked super cute. Plus she came home with a bunch of sweet cards and snacks (to share with Mommy I assumed.)

To celebrate my last day of me-time, I took the dog for an absolutely frigid walk on the beach and moped around for the rest of day. I was feeling sad for Josie, not for myself, to be done with daycare. I know she benefitted from it, but at least now I know that she can handle school and days without Mom just fine. She is such an independent little… person. It blows my mind sometimes. Anyway, I’m looking forward to round 2 of Mommy & Child time and have lots of plans for us. It would just be helpful if the snow melted before, oh… July.

So we’ve made some changes to our Wonder Drive vision. Instead of spending the summer (and our savings) tooling around the country, we’re taking a more sustainable approach and working to get a web series Tyler and a mutual friend started a few years back off the ground and running. If it’s successful (which I have no doubt it will be), traveling will be part of the job, plus we’ll be making an income while we do it, which is key. It’s very exciting, but of course, this could take some time and a lot, lot, lot of hard work. I’m not intimidated by that, as it coincides with my vision of working from home, being self-employed (eventually) and homeschooling my little babies (when the time comes!)

What does intimidate me, or rather what I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around, is whats happening with our Wonder Drive idea. I don’t want to say we’re doing the web series instead of our trip, because we’ve been discussing how to do both possibly, from maybe just doing little micro-adventures throughout the summer or waiting until later in the year. The details and logistics trying to achieve both are messy and convoluted and makes my head hurt.

All I do know is that Wonder Drive is a dream of ours I’m not willing to let go. It may be rash and irresponsible and silly to drive and camp across the country with a little kid and live off savings. But it’s not silly at all to make a dream a reality; if we wait for the perfect time, or even a better time, we may not end up doing it at all. I’ve pushed many a dream of mine to the back-burner because I thought I didn’t have enough money, or I worried about the details, or didn’t have the confidence, or worried about what other people thought, or just life got in the way. There’s a million excuses out there why NOT to live a dream; but all it takes is one reason WHY you should or just one person believing in you to make it happen.

I believe if you have that nagging feeling, that gut instinct, the little voice saying go for it, you have to listen and just give in to it. I’ve learned that by not following your intuition, bad feelings are created and they’re hard to get rid of. Makes sense on paper right? But following your instincts can be a hard practice when there’s a million external voices and reasons telling you otherwise, plus the ol’ voice of reason in our own heads. I go back and forth with my decisions all the time, but I can’t shake the feeling that I really just want to live the life I envision and stop waiting for it. I want to play a larger role in my own life, live deliberately and have fun doing it!

Maybe creating the web series is the vehicle for traveling across the country; maybe we should just go for it and forget the rest for a little while. Maybe we should just go live in a yurt in the woods and become hermits and kill our own food and raise our child among the wild. (Actually, now that I’m thinking about it…) What I’m getting at is that choosing a fork in the road is scary and hard, but its better than not doing anything at all, or doing something that doesn’t feel right.

To quote Emilio Estevez’s character in the film The Way:

You don’t choose a life. You live a life.

Winter’s Trials and Errors

I think there’s a swing set in there somewhere.

I think the winter doldrums are starting to rear their ugly heads. Up here in the Northeast we have just been pounded with snow, with more on the way. Normally I wouldn’t mind the snow so much (snowmen! sledding! snowshoeing!) but it has just been so damn COLD that I haven’t even enjoyed it, or had the urge to go out and get some exercise. Out of sheer necessity to get out of the house, I’ve managed to get the babe and dog out in the yard for some fresh air but for no more than an hour, lest Josie get frostbite on her little extremities.

What’s really eating at me though (and I’m using the weather as a cover-up), is that Josie is in her fifth week of daycare and I’m already thinking of taking her out, not because she’s not enjoying it, but because of the expense. I hadn’t anticipated it would take this long to land a part-time gig, and the longer its taking, the more discouraged I’m getting. True, I do enjoy some alone time but at what cost? I’m not even sure what I could make part-time would cover the cost of her being in daycare 3 days a week. It may be a totally selfish thought, and the mother’s guilt is kicking in big time, but I have the nagging idea that if she were to stay home full-time again I wouldn’t have to be looking for these bullshit, temporary jobs and my stress level would go way down. Or at least we’d be saving some money.

What I have found in my endless job seeking and extended time on my hands, is that working online is a totally viable option. I started this blog as an outlet to write but have since discovered that I could actually be paid to write blogs, either my own or for others. Or if not that, there are a million ways to make money online. Maybe not earning a whole lot, but who cares? If I can be semi self-employed, work from home, or better yet, work from ANYWHERE, I’m in. Seriously, sign me up somewhere.

Josie, the ultimate stress-buster.

I guess I hadn’t really expected that finding a paying job after being out of the workforce for two years would be so difficult. I’m not sure if it’s the type of work I’m going for, the time of year, or my gap in unemployment, but man oh man. It’s hard. It’s easy to get pissed that stay-at-home parents don’t get the credit (or pay, honestly) to stay home and do the hardest job they’ll ever experience. But I try not to dwell on this too much. I know I’ve been sounding a tad negative, but I do know that the most important thing is my child and that in the end, this will all be worth it. Snuggling with Josie in bed this morning, listening to her giggle as we played, seeing her run into a room full of kids at daycare (probably so grateful to be out of the house!) my heart literally swells with love and whatever stress I’m experiencing just poofs away for a moment.

So maybe I should just suck it up, get a job, accept we’ll be losing a bit of money and let her enjoy and learn from her brief time in daycare. Or maybe not, I still don’t know. I wish I could end on a decisive note, but that would just not be my style. So I shall end with a quote instead by Cynthia Rylant, author of the lovely children’s book All In A Day:

” Underneath that great big sky the earth is all a-spin. This day will soon be over and it won’t come back again.”

Cynthia Rylant/Nikki McClure “All In A Day”

A Walk in the (Almost) Woods

Photo: Tyler Walker

Ahh, winter sickness. After more than a week straight of quarantine with Josie, we’re back into the world once again! She’s back to daycare this week and I’m keeping myself busy with job seeking and to-do lists. In fact, this morning I woke up to so many things to do today, I had to write everything down so my head didn’t literally explode. A free day! Must. Do. EVERYTHING.

But you know what, after I dropped her off at school I went for an impromptu hike, which was NOT on my list. The dog was in the backseat really needing to do her business, so I drove to a nearby trail. Clad in my pajamas and Bean boots, and it being a whopping 17 degrees out, we hiked almost 2 miles through the almost woods, as most of the trail paralleled I-95, Maine’s only major highway. Along with the cacophony of morning commuter traffic and semi-trailers, the dog and I crunched through the snow and ice, feeling the sun through the trees and following deer tracks. It was lovely.

With the idea of our cross-country trip taking shape, I have been inundating my mind with overwhelming thoughts of the future, jobs, careers, school, where to live, what do I want in life, even what’s the PURPOSE of life… It’s crazy and exhausting. Instead of letting thoughts come and go, it’s like they take up permanent residence in my mind instead of a short little vacation. Like building a frickin’ brick building instead of a week in a furnished cottage. But in the woods, hiking at a brisk pace (brr, chilly!), the thoughts are still there but not quite so loud. A friend of mine recently shared her experience of going to church and the positivity she felt from that, and I realized that maybe where I get my positivity from is the outdoors – the woods (even almost woods), the mountains, the ocean!

Just another reason to take a leap of faith and embark on our family’s cross-country adventure. I see us hiking (probably at a toddler’s pace) in beautiful forests, in the desert, camping under the stars, Beasley running free of a leash, putting her hound nose to work. I see Tyler shooting video and myself being inspired to write! Take photographs! Be silly with our kid! Really sharing the things we love with her. Having some real family adventure time!

In the meantime, I’m encouraged to take a pragmatic approach to life: working towards a goal, one step at a time. So, I shall continue my yoga practice with Yoga With Adriene (try it, she’s really good!), hike with dog in the winter, with child come springtime, and keep the overwhelming thoughts at bay.  After all, to quote Charlie Brown, “Life is like an ice cream cone. You have to learn to lick it!”

A Little Bit of Inspiration

Inspiration goes a long way for me. My mind travels to all sorts of new exciting locations and new ideas begin sprouting like crazy, even though my body stays put. Especially in times like these, when I start feeling antsy (which typically happens after staying in one place for more than, oh, a few months) I find inspiration EVERYWHERE. I feel like every single thing I read or watch has some subliminal message telling me to go, go, go!

Needless to say, after living in our current location for over 2 years now, I started feeling the bug long ago. But I have to pinch myself and say HEY! You were raising a baby in that time who has now blossomed into a smart, sassy toddler. Let’s not forget you were busy, doing the hardest job in the world! But as any stay-at-home-mama knows, you can get so stir crazy hanging out with a tiny human who doesn’t speak your language yet. I did try to get outside as much as possible with her, but now in the throes of wintery, icy January our options are somewhat limited. And to that I say, YAY for daycare!

But I digress. Inspiration. It truly is all around us, so I thought I’d take some time today to give a shout-out and appreciate all that has personally inspired me.

I read a lot of books, mainly adventurous, outdoorsy biographies and memoirs. I love anything that involves travel, a road trip, self-discovery, or anti-norm in our society.

This may be predictable, but the movie (and then the book) that truly inspired me to change my lifestyle was Into the Wild. It’s a moment that I’ll never forget: sitting in the theater while the credits rolled, tears rolling down my face and having a total epiphany. I thought, I can do that too. Not poison myself while living in a bus in Alaska, but travel. Up to that point, I had never been anywhere I couldn’t drive to in a day. Never even been on a plane! So in that moment, I decided I wouldn’t be going back to college, I’d be getting on a plane to Florida to work on a farm for the rest of winter. Which, after a couple of tries, I did and it was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

After that, I read and re-read Kerouac’s The Dharma Bums and took an Amtrak train across the country to California (a poorly thought-out idea but an adventure nonetheless.) Later the next year, my then-boyfriend and I took 5 weeks driving from Maine to California and then back again the following spring. Then, much later (with no boyfriend) I enrolled into the Adventure Recreation program at WCCC. And now three years later, I’m on the greatest adventure of all, raising a child with a wonderful man.

But the time has come to travel again! I’ve been in Maine for 5 years, meanwhile still reading  inspirational books, blogs, Outside and Backpacker articles. The itch hasn’t been terrible (that sounds weird doesn’t it?) in the past couple years because we have to travel all over New England to see family, but it’s definitely there. Maybe I seek inspiration out because I’m feeling stuck or maybe it is the gods sending me signs. Whatever it is, I’m listening.

Here’s a short, incomplete, no real order list of Inspiration for you to enjoy (or maybe even get inspired yourself!):

• Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer (movie also)
• Desert Solitaire by Edward Abbey
• Travels With Charley by John Steinbeck
• On the Road and The Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac
• The Last American Man and Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
• Letters to A Young Poet by Rainer Maria Wilke
• A Walk Across America by Peter Jenkins
• The Bodacious Book of Succulence by Sark
• A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson
• Wild by Cheryl Strayed (movie also)
• Following Atticus by Tom Ryan
• The Peanuts Guide to Life by Charles Schulz
• National Geographic’s Guide to the National Parks
• Wandr’ly Magazine
• Van Go-Go family
• Michael Franti, Tom Petty, Grateful Dead, Keller Williams Kids album, 311 – all music that makes me want to drop everything and get up and shake my groove thing.

Lastly, I think what inspires me the most, more than anything I’ve read or watched, is the people I’ve come across in my life so far. I met so many incredible people while working in the Bar Harbor hostel, strangers that gave me couches to sleep on or rides across the state while in California, fellow farmers in Florida, and truly amazing co-workers and friends. I’ve stayed in touch with some of them, but not all, and to those who I may not see or talk to again, thank you.

My number one man, TW, inspires me every day for persevering and keeping a cool head on his shoulders. My sister, for being an awesome mommy to a beautiful baby. My best friend, Pookie, for believing in whats important to you and for getting a full scholarship, holla!! My dad, for being his own boss in the most beautiful place in the world and letting me tag along once in awhile. My mom, for being there for me and for the super awesome encouragement when I needed it. And lastly, but certainly not least, my little baby booshka, for simply being awesome and smiling and giggling and being curious and loving doggies. I love you all, thank you for the inspiration!