The Elusive Carousel

Where in New Hampshire can one find a carousel? That was our pressing question yesterday. It was Tyler’s day off and it was raining, so what better idea than to wander a mall and find Josie a carousel to ride? Easier said than done, it turns out!

Every night before bed, Josie asks for a story and its always the same one – where she and “Tine” (Caroline) go to the fair and ride pretty ponies on the carousel. (The girl loves carousels. We rode one at the fair in Maine back in September, and she hasn’t stopped talking about it since.) I have been experiencing some pretty terrible Mother’s guilt about moving her away from her best buddy (Caroline), so I wanted to make it up to her by finding a beautiful carousel to ride, preferably in a very busy and festive mall that would get us all in the Christmas spirit.

So about 3 hours later – it really can take a long time to get out of the house sometimes – we packed in the car and headed to Concord, the nearest big city, for some good Christmas fun. But the mall was… less than stellar. Though decorated nicely, it lacked a food court, people, and of course, a carousel. The upside: 10 munchkins from Dunkin Donuts, when Tyler only asked for 5, and Josie pooped in a race car. Woohoo! But no matter. Onward, we said, to the Mall of New Hampshire in Manchester, the place where dreams come true!

So, on to mall #2. Very festive, and humongous, and busy! There must be a carousel here, we thought. At this point Josie had been in the car for nearly 2 hours and it was her nap time, so we were walking the fine line between fun and misadventure, so we were really playing up the carousel bit. We headed straight for the kids area, expecting to see beautiful lights and bobbing horses, but we got… a kids play area. Fun for a little bit but nothing too exciting. By this time, the parents (us) were actually Googling to find a carousel in the damn mall. And by golly, we read there existed such a thing! But when I asked a customer service rep for directions, she replied with a sad smile, “Oh, that was taken out a couple of years ago…”

I wanted to fucking cry. Why?? I felt like the world’s worst parent – I had not made my child ecstatically happy. I wanted to watch her face light up with glee! I wanted to mend the ache in my heart for moving her, again. Instead I had to explain to her that there was no carousel, but that we could go pick a brand new toy out at the toy store, anything she wanted.

And you know what? Even though I felt terrible, because I’m 28 and feel overly emotional about nearly everything, and because she’s 2 and not too much bothers her, Josie was okay. She may have fussed for a minute, but then we went to the toy store and she picked out a pink My Little Pony, and then we ate some chicken nuggets at Red Robin.

We drove home, she passed out in the car, and then we all watched a Christmas movie and ate popcorn together on the couch, and it was all okay.

Maybe I should chill out on the guilt and carousels from now on.

. 

Valentine’s Day Visions

Happy Valentine’s Day weekend from Maine! It’s snowing (actually blizzarding is the correct term) yet again, surprise, surprise so we’ve been stuck inside for the majority of the weekend. Which leaves lots of time for entertaining a toddler and pondering the near future. Fun!

But first, in toddler news, Friday was Josie’s last day of daycare. Bittersweet of course, but she ended on a high note: she had a face full of boogers and had been up since 5 am (cold season is just lovely) but the school was having a Valentine’s party so she wore hearts and a tutu and looked super cute. Plus she came home with a bunch of sweet cards and snacks (to share with Mommy I assumed.)

To celebrate my last day of me-time, I took the dog for an absolutely frigid walk on the beach and moped around for the rest of day. I was feeling sad for Josie, not for myself, to be done with daycare. I know she benefitted from it, but at least now I know that she can handle school and days without Mom just fine. She is such an independent little… person. It blows my mind sometimes. Anyway, I’m looking forward to round 2 of Mommy & Child time and have lots of plans for us. It would just be helpful if the snow melted before, oh… July.

So we’ve made some changes to our Wonder Drive vision. Instead of spending the summer (and our savings) tooling around the country, we’re taking a more sustainable approach and working to get a web series Tyler and a mutual friend started a few years back off the ground and running. If it’s successful (which I have no doubt it will be), traveling will be part of the job, plus we’ll be making an income while we do it, which is key. It’s very exciting, but of course, this could take some time and a lot, lot, lot of hard work. I’m not intimidated by that, as it coincides with my vision of working from home, being self-employed (eventually) and homeschooling my little babies (when the time comes!)

What does intimidate me, or rather what I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around, is whats happening with our Wonder Drive idea. I don’t want to say we’re doing the web series instead of our trip, because we’ve been discussing how to do both possibly, from maybe just doing little micro-adventures throughout the summer or waiting until later in the year. The details and logistics trying to achieve both are messy and convoluted and makes my head hurt.

All I do know is that Wonder Drive is a dream of ours I’m not willing to let go. It may be rash and irresponsible and silly to drive and camp across the country with a little kid and live off savings. But it’s not silly at all to make a dream a reality; if we wait for the perfect time, or even a better time, we may not end up doing it at all. I’ve pushed many a dream of mine to the back-burner because I thought I didn’t have enough money, or I worried about the details, or didn’t have the confidence, or worried about what other people thought, or just life got in the way. There’s a million excuses out there why NOT to live a dream; but all it takes is one reason WHY you should or just one person believing in you to make it happen.

I believe if you have that nagging feeling, that gut instinct, the little voice saying go for it, you have to listen and just give in to it. I’ve learned that by not following your intuition, bad feelings are created and they’re hard to get rid of. Makes sense on paper right? But following your instincts can be a hard practice when there’s a million external voices and reasons telling you otherwise, plus the ol’ voice of reason in our own heads. I go back and forth with my decisions all the time, but I can’t shake the feeling that I really just want to live the life I envision and stop waiting for it. I want to play a larger role in my own life, live deliberately and have fun doing it!

Maybe creating the web series is the vehicle for traveling across the country; maybe we should just go for it and forget the rest for a little while. Maybe we should just go live in a yurt in the woods and become hermits and kill our own food and raise our child among the wild. (Actually, now that I’m thinking about it…) What I’m getting at is that choosing a fork in the road is scary and hard, but its better than not doing anything at all, or doing something that doesn’t feel right.

To quote Emilio Estevez’s character in the film The Way:

You don’t choose a life. You live a life.

Spring Beach Hiking: A Warm Thought For A Cold Day

Authors Note: Back in April of last year I started what I called a ‘Wilderness Therapy’ journal, meant to document and inspire fun outside adventures with my child. The idea sort of got lost in the shuffle of summer; we did have a few adventures but they didn’t get written about. But now with creating this blog this winter, I’ve reignited the intention to write about adventures with my family. So with yet another snow day here in Maine , I’m going to take a trip down memory lane to spring of last year and blog an original entry in the journal… and think happy warm, spring thoughts. 

Ferry Beach State Park, April 21

It’s only 3 miles away and a 5-minute drive, but Ferry Beach kind of has it all: a paved mile-long road free of traffic, a mile of trails winding through the forest, a pond, and a long stretch of beach continuing in either direction. Spring is an ideal time to go because there’s hardly anyone there, minus the elderly people power walking and the lone Park Ranger.

With Josie in the Ergo and Beasley on a long leash, we set off walking the park road. Of course, B chooses to do her business as a crowd of four people are there to witness. Classy. Josie doesn’t sleep because she wants to watch Beasley prance. [Chances are, I was taking a walk trying to get the baby to nap. Very typical in those days.]

Oh, sand and sun… Soaking it in with Beasley and baby (not pictured.)

The beach is deserted. We walk north (I’m guessing but it seems right) towards Bay View beach on the low tide sand. Waves crash (as much as they can at low tide), gulls squawk…it’s lovely. But then we turn around to walk back and the wind barrels in to my face. Josie buries her face in my chest and somehow (finally) falls asleep. I’m thankful to see the park fence again!

We head to the trail system. For being pretty close to the road, the Park actually feels enveloping. The trail is completely  flat but its a mix of gravel, boardwalk, and bridges, and it passes through clusters of differing species of trees. We the pass the Ranger on her bike, and she wears glasses, which I think is cool. [I also am be-spectacled.]

We run into a couple of dogs on the trail and I have to yank on B’s leash, which wakes the babe up. I then feel a whole lot of warmth on my abdomen and realize Josie has peed on me, through her own clothes and onto my sweater. Luckily we’re not far from the car. A good hike had by all!

Winter’s Trials and Errors

I think there’s a swing set in there somewhere.

I think the winter doldrums are starting to rear their ugly heads. Up here in the Northeast we have just been pounded with snow, with more on the way. Normally I wouldn’t mind the snow so much (snowmen! sledding! snowshoeing!) but it has just been so damn COLD that I haven’t even enjoyed it, or had the urge to go out and get some exercise. Out of sheer necessity to get out of the house, I’ve managed to get the babe and dog out in the yard for some fresh air but for no more than an hour, lest Josie get frostbite on her little extremities.

What’s really eating at me though (and I’m using the weather as a cover-up), is that Josie is in her fifth week of daycare and I’m already thinking of taking her out, not because she’s not enjoying it, but because of the expense. I hadn’t anticipated it would take this long to land a part-time gig, and the longer its taking, the more discouraged I’m getting. True, I do enjoy some alone time but at what cost? I’m not even sure what I could make part-time would cover the cost of her being in daycare 3 days a week. It may be a totally selfish thought, and the mother’s guilt is kicking in big time, but I have the nagging idea that if she were to stay home full-time again I wouldn’t have to be looking for these bullshit, temporary jobs and my stress level would go way down. Or at least we’d be saving some money.

What I have found in my endless job seeking and extended time on my hands, is that working online is a totally viable option. I started this blog as an outlet to write but have since discovered that I could actually be paid to write blogs, either my own or for others. Or if not that, there are a million ways to make money online. Maybe not earning a whole lot, but who cares? If I can be semi self-employed, work from home, or better yet, work from ANYWHERE, I’m in. Seriously, sign me up somewhere.

Josie, the ultimate stress-buster.

I guess I hadn’t really expected that finding a paying job after being out of the workforce for two years would be so difficult. I’m not sure if it’s the type of work I’m going for, the time of year, or my gap in unemployment, but man oh man. It’s hard. It’s easy to get pissed that stay-at-home parents don’t get the credit (or pay, honestly) to stay home and do the hardest job they’ll ever experience. But I try not to dwell on this too much. I know I’ve been sounding a tad negative, but I do know that the most important thing is my child and that in the end, this will all be worth it. Snuggling with Josie in bed this morning, listening to her giggle as we played, seeing her run into a room full of kids at daycare (probably so grateful to be out of the house!) my heart literally swells with love and whatever stress I’m experiencing just poofs away for a moment.

So maybe I should just suck it up, get a job, accept we’ll be losing a bit of money and let her enjoy and learn from her brief time in daycare. Or maybe not, I still don’t know. I wish I could end on a decisive note, but that would just not be my style. So I shall end with a quote instead by Cynthia Rylant, author of the lovely children’s book All In A Day:

” Underneath that great big sky the earth is all a-spin. This day will soon be over and it won’t come back again.”

Cynthia Rylant/Nikki McClure “All In A Day”

Tiny Feet, Tiny Hikes

Once upon a time, in a land before baby was born, I was a lone hiker. I would traverse my way across peaks, daring to climb where no woman had climbed before. (Okay, that’s not true. I stuck to pretty mainstream routes.) Acadia National Park and Downeast Maine were my stomping grounds, trails and mountains to explore and reflect upon.

Thankfully, not too much changed when baby came around. Instead of bagging the monstrous 1,000-footers Maine has to offer, we’ve downgraded slightly to tiny-feet-friendly hikes. And though we didn’t get out as much as mama would have preferred, for a 2-year-old Josie does have an impressive repertoire of hikes under her belt (or…diaper.)

In my research for our trip and spring hiking preparation, I’ve been perusing National Geographic’s Guide to America’s Outdoors and AMC’s Maine Mountain Guide. So here is my version of a “Tiny Feet, Tiny Hike” guide for Maine (keep in mind, it’s not comprehensive or in any particular order, just some of our favorite trails we’ve done with baby.)

• Blue Hill Mountain, Blue Hill. One of my all-time favorite hikes. It’s only 900′, but it has many fond memories and an absolutely spectacular view of Blue Hill Bay and Acadia from the top.

• Barred Island, Shore Acres, and Tennis Preserve trails, Deer Isle. 3 of many great hikes along the water’s edge on the island of Deer Isle.

Barred Island Preserve

• South Bubble Mountain, Acadia National Park.

  

  He-man lifting the bubble!

• Ferry Beach State Park trails, Saco. Our go-to when we need to get out of the house. Really easy flat trails that lead to the ocean, and beautiful in the fall.

  

  Ferry Beach SP

• Scarborough Marsh, Scarborough. As a section of the East Coast Greenway, it crosses the largest marsh in Maine. Birds abound! (Sidenote: the ECG is a very awesome concept, as its a foot/bike path that will eventually connect Key West, Florida to Calais, Maine – both places dear to me!)

• Rachel Carson National Wildlife Refuge, Wells. Our favorite, simply because it’s perfect for little feet to walk. A flat, 1-mile loop, it has great views of the marsh and ocean and so, so, so many acorns to pick and plants to touch! (Just ask Josie.)

  

  One happy girl at the Rachel Carson NWR

• Douglas Mountain, Sebago. My 27th birthday hike! Great views of the Western Maine mountains and the Whites. Plus a cool tower on top.

• Bradbury Mountain, Bradbury Mountain State Park, Pownal. Special because it was Josie’s first ever hike. Though there are many trails here we haven’t hiked, the Mountain itself is a really easy, family-friendly hike. And they allow dogs.

• Mount Agamenticus, York. Even only at 692′, Big A is actually a pretty good hike. The Ring Trail has  great interpretive story boards for the kids, and at the summit is a nice big expanse of grass, lookout tower and Learning Lodge. Dogs welcome also!

And in New Hampshire…

• Mount Kearsarge, Warner, NH. Technically, we didn’t hike the whole mountain – we drove up the mountain road and then hiked the rest of the way to the summit. But hey, remember tiny feet…

  

  Nina and Tyler, with Josie riding high on Dad’s back.

• Mount Chocorua, White Mountain National Forest, NH. We hiked the Champney Falls trail for Father’s Day and it was really beautiful. We didn’t make it to the summit, as we were unprepared for the 7-mile hike, but we’ll be back to this for sure!

Our Deuter child carrier backpack made all the difference when hiking with Josie. She slept in it, ate in it and had a great view when on our back. It may have cost as much as my car payment, but it was a worthy investment! So were the $10 used Keen sandals for when she was up walking. Thanks thrift store!

So with our sights set on spring, and then on to our summer journey, hopefully our list of summits will keep growing and growing, Who knows, maybe we’ll work up to those 1,000-footers once again!

Sun Is Shining

Beasley and Josie take a stroll.

The child has an ear infection, I am severely congested with no energy, and the dog is antsy because she needs a walk, but the sun is shining and it’s a beautiful day. And that makes me feel good.

My goal was to post 2 blogs a week, but this week has certainly thrown me for a loop. Child has been down with the cold and not getting any better, so after a second visit to the doctor’s this week, it’s been confirmed she has an ear infection. A slight sigh of relief, since we didn’t know what was going on, but now she’s on the road to recovery, yay! But she hasn’t been to school at all (and it’s only her second week!) and now I have her cold, so I haven’t had the luxurious free time to write that I had last week. Ah, but it’s okay. I’ve traded free time for sick snuggles, popsicles and endless episodes of Curious George. 

So while she’s napping, which I should be also, I have a small window to write a bit. And drink more coffee.

It’s been a trying week, between staying inside with a sick, whiny child, getting sick myself, trying to find a job and having serious conversations with the man about the future. But while getting J’s breakfast ready at the crack of dawn this morning, we saw the most beautiful sunrise through the kitchen window and I just felt the stress sighhhhh away from my body.  All at once, I saw the 3 of us (4, with dog) experiencing sunrises like that all the time while we’re on our camping-across-America trip and it made me SO optimistic and excited for the future. Which is a direct contradiction to how I was feeling when having said serious conversation days ago. Whew.

If all it takes is a sunrise to make me happy, then bring it on nature.