Return of the writer…

Well. Its been a long time since I’ve written anything, let alone anything on a public website. Many things have changed for me and our family, but some are still painfully the same.

First, the changes. We fulfilled our dream of having a second child, a beautiful, dark-haired, hazel-eyed wonder, Willow Pearl. She is now 2, and I think I’ve written in my journal a handful of times since she was born. She keeps me busy! But Willow is amazing, and its fine she takes up most of my time. She is funny, and silly and SO beautiful its ridiculous. She loves her sister and copies everything she does, she snuggles in our bed every night, and her favorite word is “toot.” She loves Elmo, Abby and Cookie Monster, the show “Word Party” and singing songs. Her funny faces and tiptoe-y run make me laugh!

So, back in 2016, after we moved from Campton, we made our way to Newport, where Tyler’s parents live. First, in a camper borrowed from my parents, which really would have made a hilarious story, in retrospect. At the time, I was a pregnant lady sharing 200 square ft with a dude, a 3 year old and a dog. But the campground was gorgeous, we lived cheaply, Josie was in daycare 3 days a week and loving it, and Tyler and I worked for his mom at the Antique Mall. I had great healthcare at Dartmouth-Hitchcock, and besides getting in a messy crash on the way to a visit in Maine, it was a great summer.

Then, after the campground closed, we moved into Tyler’s grandmothers house… with his grandmother…mom…and dad. At least we had a 3-story house to share. Would have made another hilarious story. It was challenging at times, but we really made the most of it, plus Josie spent a lot of time with her grandparents and great-grandmother, which is pretty special.

Then Willow was born! I stayed home with her while everyone left for the day, and it was nice to have everyone there at night to help out . Newport grew on me, especially our living situation (Tyler’s parents eventually moved out, and then GiGi too), but we knew it couldn’t last forever. By the time Josie was ready to start kindergarten, we needed to move out of the house. It was so very stressful, but we eventually found a house to rent in Stonington, Maine so we ended up moving, again….

So here we are! Its 2019 and we’ve lived back on the island for 6 months. Tyler works full-time for a contractor, Josie is 6 years old and in kindergarten, Willow goes to daycare once a week and I do… not sure what I do right now. I guess still stay at home with the kids, but not really by choice. I’ve had a few job interviews at local places but haven’t landed anything yet. I guess I forgot how difficult it would be to pay rent, pay for childcare AND find a job here, especially in the middle of winter.

So yes, if you must know, I’ve been struggling. Big time. Which is bullshit, because I have spent a lot of my life struggling. Whether its what to major in school, where to live, or trying to find a decent job its like I’m being put through a test, to see what I don’t know. But its exhausting and depressing, and I’ve been feeling so terrible lately – using words to describe myself I would never to say to anyone else, thinking everyones better without me, wanting to disappear.

But then somedays I’m full of creative ideas, and think of these amazing experiences I want for myself and my kids, and full of life goals, and feeling good! Then BAM! Shitty. It’s a rollercoaster I don’t want to be on anymore, but I’m not quite sure how to get off this dumb ride. I used to think working outside of the house would do it, but its been so long I don’t know anymore! Frustrating, to say the least.

Anyway, thats the update. I’ve been thinking of restarting this blog, but not sure of what theme I’d like to take it. Parenting, family, living in Maine, depression and/or ways NOT to be depressed, diabetes…. all fun things to write about it. I’ll ponder it some more. In the meantime, hopefully I’ll be back before another 3 years passes by.

Peace. -Erin

A Walk in the (Almost) Woods

Photo: Tyler Walker

Ahh, winter sickness. After more than a week straight of quarantine with Josie, we’re back into the world once again! She’s back to daycare this week and I’m keeping myself busy with job seeking and to-do lists. In fact, this morning I woke up to so many things to do today, I had to write everything down so my head didn’t literally explode. A free day! Must. Do. EVERYTHING.

But you know what, after I dropped her off at school I went for an impromptu hike, which was NOT on my list. The dog was in the backseat really needing to do her business, so I drove to a nearby trail. Clad in my pajamas and Bean boots, and it being a whopping 17 degrees out, we hiked almost 2 miles through the almost woods, as most of the trail paralleled I-95, Maine’s only major highway. Along with the cacophony of morning commuter traffic and semi-trailers, the dog and I crunched through the snow and ice, feeling the sun through the trees and following deer tracks. It was lovely.

With the idea of our cross-country trip taking shape, I have been inundating my mind with overwhelming thoughts of the future, jobs, careers, school, where to live, what do I want in life, even what’s the PURPOSE of life… It’s crazy and exhausting. Instead of letting thoughts come and go, it’s like they take up permanent residence in my mind instead of a short little vacation. Like building a frickin’ brick building instead of a week in a furnished cottage. But in the woods, hiking at a brisk pace (brr, chilly!), the thoughts are still there but not quite so loud. A friend of mine recently shared her experience of going to church and the positivity she felt from that, and I realized that maybe where I get my positivity from is the outdoors – the woods (even almost woods), the mountains, the ocean!

Just another reason to take a leap of faith and embark on our family’s cross-country adventure. I see us hiking (probably at a toddler’s pace) in beautiful forests, in the desert, camping under the stars, Beasley running free of a leash, putting her hound nose to work. I see Tyler shooting video and myself being inspired to write! Take photographs! Be silly with our kid! Really sharing the things we love with her. Having some real family adventure time!

In the meantime, I’m encouraged to take a pragmatic approach to life: working towards a goal, one step at a time. So, I shall continue my yoga practice with Yoga With Adriene (try it, she’s really good!), hike with dog in the winter, with child come springtime, and keep the overwhelming thoughts at bay.  After all, to quote Charlie Brown, “Life is like an ice cream cone. You have to learn to lick it!”